#2015inReview – Year of Familiar’s
“Well, I wrote my Suicide Note Last night” were the first
words I posted on New Year’s Day 2015 at 8am.
And I went on to describe how I felt disconnected from the efforts of
2014. My energy and efforts of that day started
with a Spiritual Breakfast and then later a Pastoral Cleansing / Cloaking to
take on the power, strength and success of my previous year’s efforts.
"Peligroso Libertad"
What happened next was never expected. When I returned to my home in Florida at
11:30 am, I walked into my house and the phone was blowing UP! See, I made a choice to separate from all
“technical” electronics and reach for a more centered heart. In doing so, I felt an Energy Release of
negative from the “failed” perceptions of last year’s artistry and creativeness! As I picked up my phone a voice began to weep
in hysterical sob. A woman I barely knew
was reaching out to me in a form of love from the state of Oregon that I would
later find conflicting, But at this moment her uncertainties of my condition
were obvious! She reached across miles
and hours to tell me that I was loved as ‘Family… That I had someone who considered me to be a
family member and that God Loved me as a significant person…
Then the Door Rang!
“Hello, please come outside Mr. Courtney” said the neatly
dressed armed man around the corner. As
I walked out to my porch, quickly around the corner appears three more
similar. “I have to hang up the phone
right now, I will have to call you back” I spoke with clarity of the
moment! These kind gentlemen began to
search my pants, shirt and asked me to step inside … Standing in attention, the tall force of a
Rookie by the door, the two Administrator Officers began to speak. “Mr. Courtney, Why are you Even Here? We have looked at your website, read all
about you, You belong in a place like Sarasota, Santa Fe or California?!” “Well, it’s funny you say that” I nervously
respond. The other spoke, “You know,
here in Florida they have a law called the ‘Baker Act’ and based upon the 71
phone calls our 911 Department got from all over the United States this
morning, we would be taking you away right now for 72 hours of
Observation.” He went on to say,
“However, between me and my partner we have over 50 years of experience. We
read your whole message that ended with the St Assisi Prayer, you were telling
2014 to F%#& Off” As the well clothed man held up his hand in gesture with
a wry smirk … I answered quick with
Enthusiasm “YES” !!! An Hour later, the
two Officers left with a Signed copy of my Book’s …
When I later that day replied to all of you online, it was
clear that my error was to not clarify my objective of language upfront.
Although some of you clearly understood, many of you were upset and my gift of
words had caused you ache, I am very aware of that power and responsibility and
apologize! As the title of this year in
review suggests, the “Familiar” also applies to a word that has appeared in my
life this year “Family”. And that word
has not served well through experiences that have followed.
OH BTW, You recall that Cadillac Deville I stuffed full of
everything I owned 5 years ago? Well I
sold that in Florida with almost 300,000 miles on it !!! She sure treated me well, but then I needed
something to get around on – SO I bought me a Scooter !!!
I got a little VESPA and installed LED lights, a SDRAM Card
Stereo System, Loaded it up With BOB Seger and Cruised on ‘TAMIAMI Trail (41) for 4
months!
Man was That FUN !!!
The word “Family” as defined ‘a group of people united by certain
convictions or a common affiliation/fellowship”
Although that Fan/Friend on the phone would later become a perplexing
and distant memory, for a brief moment, I had a voice that spoke to me in a
loving manor and flooded my heart with consideration that left more bewilderment
than clarity. In a literature I read
many times before, it speaks of how most people will never understand or
experience a indisputable spiritual experience for it will be confused by “Exaggerated
Emotions” In the expression of love, it
proved later that I had become a focus position for many. It is a responsibility that has caused me
more pain than elation. I realize that
my energy draws people towards and that my talents are respected. But I will also tell you that similar magnet
will attract pot-metal and folks who are not truly interested in my strength of
mind but more so in the condition or value of their association!
As many of you know, my life is absent from genuine “Family”
close. Although I have two children, they have taken a path of life absent from
my involvement, a choice beyond my control.
Although I suspect my error among many, is that a financial reference is
their only understanding. Evidence
suggests since my lack of a $100 in my pocket is somehow connected to the
function of a telephone as well … My
parental love remains no matter the vacancy.
I do have the luxury of a few dear cousins that are outlying, but since
my Fathers passing in 2006, I have been without a Christmas, Thanksgiving and
all other events tied to a kin love. And
there brings another variable of what that “Love” is supposed to represent? So many times, the “Conditional Love” that I
witness others, listen to complaints, gossip and frustrations, leave me with a
blessing and burden. Of which either one
is adequate and Familiar …
I read an article once in Dayton Ohio that spoke about Unity
and Fellowship. It was titled the
“Definition of a Relationship” It went
on to say that most relationships are nothing more than short or long term
sexual liaisons and that in fact, in
most circumstances, people have to use “Great Imagination” to use the words “I
Love You”! And that all others are
defined by blood & genetics only!
And then another familiar day appeared…
So, faced with the risk of Depression from not securing a
Film Funding through KickStarter, I was still very much excited by the Success
of the SW Florida Holiday Art Abstract Show.
Yet still alone, disconnected and lost in purpose as another
familiar, my aspirations remain to work through and trudge the road to get this
Film Produced!
In the meantime, a Dear
Friend and Furniture Artist in Albuquerque NM sent me a Facebook request
challenge!
His request asked me to
create 5 original works of artistic ability.
As a Result of carrying a remembrance of a Beagle Dog named “Scooter”,
it was time to write and bring into being the Children’s Book that had been
held in my mind for decades!
Perhaps
another exaggerated emotion ….
I had begun to feel exhausted and lacking in Florida.
Familiar with traveling, my fortitude however has now become
disconnected and lost by now seeking to regain a security of home. The transient and isolation of Florida’s
absent population and the overflow of those who didn’t care began to leave me
without a sense of community. My
thoughts began to look towards Dayton Ohio, a place once familiar as a comfort
when I used to be somebody. Somebody who
had focus and home, which in its tone is Ironic, considering I have touched 45
states and lived residency in 23 of them…
A “Gypsy” has been termed in my direction more than once. I consider that axiom as equal to “Crippled”
which is equally familiar and not welcomed, no matter how many references
appear.
As I began to realize
the therapeutic benefits of Florida Sun, I also noticed the isolation of the
transient lifestyle. You would think that felt comfortable to a person in my
current position? Yet, with each night of
silent kitchen, the occasional visitor seeking energy would only pacify my
time. I have found that many times when
women seek comfort outside the marriage, relationship or drama of their own
“Familiar” they are confused when then intensity of my energy surpasses their
expectations. I wish that burden did not
appear in my life but then that would require my heart to close and judge the
next experience based upon the pain of my recent events. I have always said, “I will be Damned if I
will allow the Pain of My Past to Control the Love of my Future”. Sound familiar?
Back to the year in
artistry …
As the
result of knowing an Artist in the local area, I had a conversation once that
led to the idea of doing an Illustration Collaboration. Thus, introduce the Fine Art Artist, Judy
Cowan Lee!
Through a series of pencil drawings, sketches and ideas,
Judy was instrumental in drawing the raw sketches for Ginger, background work
and active participant in the construction efforts and building “It’s OK
Scooter” Our initial target was to have
the book finished by April 1st and it took all of that and
more! Delighted in that I would do all
the painting and writing, our share of this project brought Joy to our Hearts,
Blossomed a Unique and Treasured Friendship that I have no doubt will last
forever! Judy is an Incredible Woman who
has an incredible family! A True Example
of Unconditional Love!
Through a couple of chance meetings with the Local Mayor Jacqueline, the SW
Florida Human, Atwater
Elementary and
North Port Florida officials, on May 15
th “Scooter” came Alive on
the Front Page of the Herald Sun of SW Florida and 300 kids who fell in love
with a little children’s book!
A
position of recognition that humbles me to this date and am extremely grateful
for the Blessings associated!
Now for the Familiar
, again …
I have been so Blessed in 2015, yet the previous years are
carried over and the entire effort of creating a Film now becomes the Only
Focus I can See! And then a Familiar
shadow appears …
But just prior, a dear friend who was Veteran was about to
get married. His soon to be wife had
sent me a request to present an illustration of energy for a gift – SEMPER FI
I have always said that when my Flame burns High, my light
shines brightest is when the Moths fly closest!
But it is also the same when the Light is Bright, the Shadows are the
Darkest & Deepest! Often times I have
found that God will use light as much as dark to guide our paths and this experience
seems no different! So in a few short
weeks after being successful, my journey home begins. But where is home? As the moments grew in depth, I made a choice
to travel back to Ohio.
But just before I left, I had to create one last painting
before leaving Florida! “The Band”
As I was leaving SW Florida that day, I stopped at the local
Starbucks and through a Serendipitous meeting, a conversation with a couple who
were full of Spiritual Energy, but spoke soft and carried a genuine Blessing in
their pace. As we spoke further, I asked
them to follow me to my SUV. Hatch
opened and with much shuffling around, as I began to write on the back of the
canvas in dedication, the young ladies eyes wept, his Smile grew and they
accepted my gift. Blessings, I left in
tears as well…
Family –vs- Familiar
As a result of no family but only a few select friends, I
felt that journey would serve me well to be close to Indiana but not too
close. The City of Dayton had always
been kind to me and in the first couple weeks, the familiar was
comfortable! However the energy of
seeking a studio and my health began to surface as a concern. I continued to reach out to a local business
complex that agreed to a Studio Space in Oakwood, a suburb of Dayton. Yet the over-seas ownership would continue to
drag and request miniature tactic that delayed the move in date. It was as if the Universe simply did not want
me there…
In a very Joyful experience, I conducted a Book signing for
Scooter & Norma Jean’s Sun in Muncie Indiana in September and in absolute
gratitude to a dear friend Linda. What an Angel in my life she had become
through a thousand miles and until this time, we had never met. I pray we never separate as friends, she has
offered me a friendship that I do not understand and it has arrived in silence
without a condition visible. A
friendship I am not familiar with …
But like all experiences, this book signing came with a cost
and set me up for a following event that changed my mind on a decision I had
been battling on whether or not to move back to Santa Fe, NM.
HERE’S YOUR
SIGN !!!
After moving into a Condo at the Carillon House, I thought
it would be a soft and comfortable winter to adjust. And slowly as time went on, my health began
to soften and the FLU like symptoms grew.
After a few weeks, I went to the Dr. only to be given a steroid shot to
release the ill feelings. In the mean
time, I continued to negotiate with the Oakwood Shops to secure the Studio
& Gallery. After reaching a secured
deal with the property manager, the (Foreign based Ownership) again began a
repeated effort of duplicate questions.
It was as if the force was telling me this was not going to work. In this same frame of time, I found myself
alone and absent of the friendship base that I had once thought in place and
even though a couple dear people were available, the isolation was still
present in not only my affairs but in the daily efforts to connect. I walked alone again, a familiar identity in
age.
Then one day, after many hours of wonder and thought, I took
my rental car back to the Airport. As I
rode the RTA System from Dayton home, the Bus decided to stop on a Dime!
An elder gentleman thought he would use the same lane as the
Bus and as a result the bus came to an immediate stop to avoid the catastrophe! Well, for those of you who are still reading
this correspondence, you know what happen next – YEP, my little short fat ass
took off in Mid Air and landed 30ft away!
After checking, I refused the Drivers question of an Ambulance (Never occurred
to me to be a Crook and Fake what isn’t True? Hmmmmm). It was as if this was the last straw, sound
familiar? Here’s your sign and after a
round of denials for the Bus Company to correct the issue (Because there was no
Police Report) I have once again found
that the light was casting a silhouette, my ability to breathe was at risk and
I was being tempted by a friend to return to Santa Fe. So, after a dinner with a couple very
beautiful souls and a extraordinary neighbor, a visit down the street and a
last meal at Christopher’s that melted my heart, I drove away… A pose in life that has become all too
familiar.
Stopping off in Indianapolis for a couple weeks, I was blessed
to be the Guest of a Dear friend who allowed me to recover from my Health
concerns in a serene home that was reflective in character and tone! I will always be very grateful to many but a
select few have genuinely cared for my welfare without expectations! An Unconditional Love no matter the risks or
rewards and never to punish in voice barbed with gossip or venomous words in
passing. It is the core of those I will
continue to remain in communication with and Indianapolis offered me that and
more … Thank You!
Now, on to Santa Fe and the Land of
Enchantment!
So here I am, welcomed and greeted by many and safely asleep
in bed rented from friends. And although
the expression “never do business with family & friends” is a truth, the
temporary has served.
"Over Easy, Santa Fe"
Now being here for a few weeks, I have been greeted by many
who recall my familiar trail from years ago and welcomed me with kindness, well
wishes and benevolence! The friends who
reached out to invite have offered safety and blessings that I will always
revere with a kind memory and special place in heart! But as with all transitions, the purpose is
to establish a singular point of life and the soft landing provided has given
rest, peace and energy to a weary voyager … A position I wish to no longer consent
to and will soon establish home again.
And thus this brings me to a summary of note.
In Summary, please allow me to say thank you for traveling
with me! In this world of distractions,
quick fixes, fast scams and empty commitments or provisional affection, your
honor of my expedition continues to astonish me with moments of uncontaminated
Joy! Bless you, all of you … And to those whom I have lost, either by observation
or commentary, please know that I have never exhausted your memory from my anthology
of treasures. I genuinely reflect on a
regular basis of what is familiar in my life, memories! I set out to find something 5 years ago and
although some recently perhaps have viewed my abrupt alterations as running, or
misplaced in purpose, I assure you my compass is not broken. In fact, I suspect it works too well as it allows
me to reallocate focus when challenged.
I suppose that is a variable many will not understand till you too are unaccompanied. Maybe you do?
2015 was a hard year to reflect back upon and the coming
days are not stable enough to predict. I
am afraid and tears for others, myself and our humanity visit frequently, a
familiar consciousness of solitude. I
have prospects and channels of production that will continue to be my center of
attention and the largest fear I carry today, is that I will not be alive when
this film is produced. I’m sure some may
have scoffed at that proclamation more than once and as I have mentioned
previously, then you will have no need for a VIP invite or ticket to the
premier … For those who have remain, I
assure you, I will and have provided a liberty reserved not only in my future but
the warmth of what love and care I have left to make available. I am a poor man, self funded, economically
bankrupt this year as a result of my expenditures to accomplish what I have set
out to bring into being. I regret
nothing and sorrow for those whose hopes and support has deflated with each
rise and fall of my efforts.
SO I will leave you with this and say that should our familiarity
ever feel memorable in heart, pain or concern, please know that it has been You
who I Envy and Admire! See, you are
Family to a world that travels with me; you are my Cousins, Aunt & Uncles
and Brother and Sisters! You have cared
for me when I was unable to do so for myself unconditionally! That is the Love of Family I grew Up with,
the ones who knew how to speak softly, a Hug of genuine care, a smile of warmth
from across the span! A light in my
darkness and a powerful force of energy that I have drawn upon for hours and
hours from Miles & Miles away … There will be some who call and others who
will disregard but if this is my last utterance, my last message or witness to
you as my friend, my family or simply a familiar visage – I love you, no
conditions, no requirements, no refunds …
Happy Holidays to you, Kris - www.kriscourtney.com
