#2015inReview – Year of Familiar’s
“Well, I wrote my Suicide Note Last night” were the first words I posted on New Year’s Day 2015 at 8am. And I went on to describe how I felt disconnected from the efforts of 2014. My energy and efforts of that day started with a Spiritual Breakfast and then later a Pastoral Cleansing / Cloaking to take on the power, strength and success of my previous year’s efforts.
What happened next was never expected. When I returned to my home in Florida at 11:30 am, I walked into my house and the phone was blowing UP! See, I made a choice to separate from all “technical” electronics and reach for a more centered heart. In doing so, I felt an Energy Release of negative from the “failed” perceptions of last year’s artistry and creativeness! As I picked up my phone a voice began to weep in hysterical sob. A woman I barely knew was reaching out to me in a form of love from the state of Oregon that I would later find conflicting, But at this moment her uncertainties of my condition were obvious! She reached across miles and hours to tell me that I was loved as ‘Family… That I had someone who considered me to be a family member and that God Loved me as a significant person…
Then the Door Rang!
“Hello, please come outside Mr. Courtney” said the neatly dressed armed man around the corner. As I walked out to my porch, quickly around the corner appears three more similar. “I have to hang up the phone right now, I will have to call you back” I spoke with clarity of the moment! These kind gentlemen began to search my pants, shirt and asked me to step inside … Standing in attention, the tall force of a Rookie by the door, the two Administrator Officers began to speak. “Mr. Courtney, Why are you Even Here? We have looked at your website, read all about you, You belong in a place like Sarasota, Santa Fe or California?!” “Well, it’s funny you say that” I nervously respond. The other spoke, “You know, here in Florida they have a law called the ‘Baker Act’ and based upon the 71 phone calls our 911 Department got from all over the United States this morning, we would be taking you away right now for 72 hours of Observation.” He went on to say, “However, between me and my partner we have over 50 years of experience. We read your whole message that ended with the St Assisi Prayer, you were telling 2014 to F%#& Off” As the well clothed man held up his hand in gesture with a wry smirk … I answered quick with Enthusiasm “YES” !!! An Hour later, the two Officers left with a Signed copy of my Book’s …
When I later that day replied to all of you online, it was clear that my error was to not clarify my objective of language upfront. Although some of you clearly understood, many of you were upset and my gift of words had caused you ache, I am very aware of that power and responsibility and apologize! As the title of this year in review suggests, the “Familiar” also applies to a word that has appeared in my life this year “Family”. And that word has not served well through experiences that have followed.
OH BTW, You recall that Cadillac Deville I stuffed full of everything I owned 5 years ago? Well I sold that in Florida with almost 300,000 miles on it !!! She sure treated me well, but then I needed something to get around on – SO I bought me a Scooter !!!
I got a little VESPA and installed LED lights, a SDRAM Card Stereo System, Loaded it up With BOB Seger and Cruised on ‘TAMIAMI Trail (41) for 4 months!
Man was That FUN !!!
The word “Family” as defined ‘a group of people united by certain convictions or a common affiliation/fellowship”
Although that Fan/Friend on the phone would later become a perplexing and distant memory, for a brief moment, I had a voice that spoke to me in a loving manor and flooded my heart with consideration that left more bewilderment than clarity. In a literature I read many times before, it speaks of how most people will never understand or experience a indisputable spiritual experience for it will be confused by “Exaggerated Emotions” In the expression of love, it proved later that I had become a focus position for many. It is a responsibility that has caused me more pain than elation. I realize that my energy draws people towards and that my talents are respected. But I will also tell you that similar magnet will attract pot-metal and folks who are not truly interested in my strength of mind but more so in the condition or value of their association!
As many of you know, my life is absent from genuine “Family” close. Although I have two children, they have taken a path of life absent from my involvement, a choice beyond my control. Although I suspect my error among many, is that a financial reference is their only understanding. Evidence suggests since my lack of a $100 in my pocket is somehow connected to the function of a telephone as well … My parental love remains no matter the vacancy. I do have the luxury of a few dear cousins that are outlying, but since my Fathers passing in 2006, I have been without a Christmas, Thanksgiving and all other events tied to a kin love. And there brings another variable of what that “Love” is supposed to represent? So many times, the “Conditional Love” that I witness others, listen to complaints, gossip and frustrations, leave me with a blessing and burden. Of which either one is adequate and Familiar …
I read an article once in Dayton Ohio that spoke about Unity and Fellowship. It was titled the “Definition of a Relationship” It went on to say that most relationships are nothing more than short or long term sexual liaisons and that in fact, in most circumstances, people have to use “Great Imagination” to use the words “I Love You”! And that all others are defined by blood & genetics only!
And then another familiar day appeared…
So, faced with the risk of Depression from not securing a Film Funding through KickStarter, I was still very much excited by the Success of the SW Florida Holiday Art Abstract Show.
Yet still alone, disconnected and lost in purpose as another familiar, my aspirations remain to work through and trudge the road to get this Film Produced! In the meantime, a Dear Friend and Furniture Artist in Albuquerque NM sent me a Facebook request challenge! His request asked me to create 5 original works of artistic ability. As a Result of carrying a remembrance of a Beagle Dog named “Scooter”, it was time to write and bring into being the Children’s Book that had been held in my mind for decades! Perhaps another exaggerated emotion ….
I had begun to feel exhausted and lacking in Florida.
Familiar with traveling, my fortitude however has now become disconnected and lost by now seeking to regain a security of home. The transient and isolation of Florida’s absent population and the overflow of those who didn’t care began to leave me without a sense of community. My thoughts began to look towards Dayton Ohio, a place once familiar as a comfort when I used to be somebody. Somebody who had focus and home, which in its tone is Ironic, considering I have touched 45 states and lived residency in 23 of them… A “Gypsy” has been termed in my direction more than once. I consider that axiom as equal to “Crippled” which is equally familiar and not welcomed, no matter how many references appear.
As I began to realize the therapeutic benefits of Florida Sun, I also noticed the isolation of the transient lifestyle. You would think that felt comfortable to a person in my current position? Yet, with each night of silent kitchen, the occasional visitor seeking energy would only pacify my time. I have found that many times when women seek comfort outside the marriage, relationship or drama of their own “Familiar” they are confused when then intensity of my energy surpasses their expectations. I wish that burden did not appear in my life but then that would require my heart to close and judge the next experience based upon the pain of my recent events. I have always said, “I will be Damned if I will allow the Pain of My Past to Control the Love of my Future”. Sound familiar?
Back to the year in artistry …
As the result of knowing an Artist in the local area, I had a conversation once that led to the idea of doing an Illustration Collaboration. Thus, introduce the Fine Art Artist, Judy Cowan Lee!
Through a series of pencil drawings, sketches and ideas, Judy was instrumental in drawing the raw sketches for Ginger, background work and active participant in the construction efforts and building “It’s OK Scooter” Our initial target was to have the book finished by April 1st and it took all of that and more! Delighted in that I would do all the painting and writing, our share of this project brought Joy to our Hearts, Blossomed a Unique and Treasured Friendship that I have no doubt will last forever! Judy is an Incredible Woman who has an incredible family! A True Example of Unconditional Love!
Through a couple of chance meetings with the Local Mayor Jacqueline, the SW Florida Human, Atwater Elementary and North Port Florida officials, on May 15th “Scooter” came Alive on the Front Page of the Herald Sun of SW Florida and 300 kids who fell in love with a little children’s book! A position of recognition that humbles me to this date and am extremely grateful for the Blessings associated!
Now for the Familiar , again …
I have been so Blessed in 2015, yet the previous years are carried over and the entire effort of creating a Film now becomes the Only Focus I can See! And then a Familiar shadow appears …
But just prior, a dear friend who was Veteran was about to get married. His soon to be wife had sent me a request to present an illustration of energy for a gift – SEMPER FI
I have always said that when my Flame burns High, my light shines brightest is when the Moths fly closest! But it is also the same when the Light is Bright, the Shadows are the Darkest & Deepest! Often times I have found that God will use light as much as dark to guide our paths and this experience seems no different! So in a few short weeks after being successful, my journey home begins. But where is home? As the moments grew in depth, I made a choice to travel back to Ohio.
But just before I left, I had to create one last painting before leaving Florida! “The Band”
As I was leaving SW Florida that day, I stopped at the local Starbucks and through a Serendipitous meeting, a conversation with a couple who were full of Spiritual Energy, but spoke soft and carried a genuine Blessing in their pace. As we spoke further, I asked them to follow me to my SUV. Hatch opened and with much shuffling around, as I began to write on the back of the canvas in dedication, the young ladies eyes wept, his Smile grew and they accepted my gift. Blessings, I left in tears as well…
Family –vs- Familiar
As a result of no family but only a few select friends, I felt that journey would serve me well to be close to Indiana but not too close. The City of Dayton had always been kind to me and in the first couple weeks, the familiar was comfortable! However the energy of seeking a studio and my health began to surface as a concern. I continued to reach out to a local business complex that agreed to a Studio Space in Oakwood, a suburb of Dayton. Yet the over-seas ownership would continue to drag and request miniature tactic that delayed the move in date. It was as if the Universe simply did not want me there…
In a very Joyful experience, I conducted a Book signing for Scooter & Norma Jean’s Sun in Muncie Indiana in September and in absolute gratitude to a dear friend Linda. What an Angel in my life she had become through a thousand miles and until this time, we had never met. I pray we never separate as friends, she has offered me a friendship that I do not understand and it has arrived in silence without a condition visible. A friendship I am not familiar with …
But like all experiences, this book signing came with a cost and set me up for a following event that changed my mind on a decision I had been battling on whether or not to move back to Santa Fe, NM.
HERE’S YOUR SIGN !!!
After moving into a Condo at the Carillon House, I thought it would be a soft and comfortable winter to adjust. And slowly as time went on, my health began to soften and the FLU like symptoms grew. After a few weeks, I went to the Dr. only to be given a steroid shot to release the ill feelings. In the mean time, I continued to negotiate with the Oakwood Shops to secure the Studio & Gallery. After reaching a secured deal with the property manager, the (Foreign based Ownership) again began a repeated effort of duplicate questions. It was as if the force was telling me this was not going to work. In this same frame of time, I found myself alone and absent of the friendship base that I had once thought in place and even though a couple dear people were available, the isolation was still present in not only my affairs but in the daily efforts to connect. I walked alone again, a familiar identity in age.
Then one day, after many hours of wonder and thought, I took my rental car back to the Airport. As I rode the RTA System from Dayton home, the Bus decided to stop on a Dime!
An elder gentleman thought he would use the same lane as the Bus and as a result the bus came to an immediate stop to avoid the catastrophe! Well, for those of you who are still reading this correspondence, you know what happen next – YEP, my little short fat ass took off in Mid Air and landed 30ft away! After checking, I refused the Drivers question of an Ambulance (Never occurred to me to be a Crook and Fake what isn’t True? Hmmmmm). It was as if this was the last straw, sound familiar? Here’s your sign and after a round of denials for the Bus Company to correct the issue (Because there was no Police Report) I have once again found that the light was casting a silhouette, my ability to breathe was at risk and I was being tempted by a friend to return to Santa Fe. So, after a dinner with a couple very beautiful souls and a extraordinary neighbor, a visit down the street and a last meal at Christopher’s that melted my heart, I drove away… A pose in life that has become all too familiar.
Stopping off in Indianapolis for a couple weeks, I was blessed to be the Guest of a Dear friend who allowed me to recover from my Health concerns in a serene home that was reflective in character and tone! I will always be very grateful to many but a select few have genuinely cared for my welfare without expectations! An Unconditional Love no matter the risks or rewards and never to punish in voice barbed with gossip or venomous words in passing. It is the core of those I will continue to remain in communication with and Indianapolis offered me that and more … Thank You!
Now, on to Santa Fe and the Land of Enchantment!
So here I am, welcomed and greeted by many and safely asleep in bed rented from friends. And although the expression “never do business with family & friends” is a truth, the temporary has served.
"Over Easy, Santa Fe"
Now being here for a few weeks, I have been greeted by many who recall my familiar trail from years ago and welcomed me with kindness, well wishes and benevolence! The friends who reached out to invite have offered safety and blessings that I will always revere with a kind memory and special place in heart! But as with all transitions, the purpose is to establish a singular point of life and the soft landing provided has given rest, peace and energy to a weary voyager … A position I wish to no longer consent to and will soon establish home again. And thus this brings me to a summary of note.
In Summary, please allow me to say thank you for traveling with me! In this world of distractions, quick fixes, fast scams and empty commitments or provisional affection, your honor of my expedition continues to astonish me with moments of uncontaminated Joy! Bless you, all of you … And to those whom I have lost, either by observation or commentary, please know that I have never exhausted your memory from my anthology of treasures. I genuinely reflect on a regular basis of what is familiar in my life, memories! I set out to find something 5 years ago and although some recently perhaps have viewed my abrupt alterations as running, or misplaced in purpose, I assure you my compass is not broken. In fact, I suspect it works too well as it allows me to reallocate focus when challenged. I suppose that is a variable many will not understand till you too are unaccompanied. Maybe you do?
2015 was a hard year to reflect back upon and the coming days are not stable enough to predict. I am afraid and tears for others, myself and our humanity visit frequently, a familiar consciousness of solitude. I have prospects and channels of production that will continue to be my center of attention and the largest fear I carry today, is that I will not be alive when this film is produced. I’m sure some may have scoffed at that proclamation more than once and as I have mentioned previously, then you will have no need for a VIP invite or ticket to the premier … For those who have remain, I assure you, I will and have provided a liberty reserved not only in my future but the warmth of what love and care I have left to make available. I am a poor man, self funded, economically bankrupt this year as a result of my expenditures to accomplish what I have set out to bring into being. I regret nothing and sorrow for those whose hopes and support has deflated with each rise and fall of my efforts.
SO I will leave you with this and say that should our familiarity ever feel memorable in heart, pain or concern, please know that it has been You who I Envy and Admire! See, you are Family to a world that travels with me; you are my Cousins, Aunt & Uncles and Brother and Sisters! You have cared for me when I was unable to do so for myself unconditionally! That is the Love of Family I grew Up with, the ones who knew how to speak softly, a Hug of genuine care, a smile of warmth from across the span! A light in my darkness and a powerful force of energy that I have drawn upon for hours and hours from Miles & Miles away … There will be some who call and others who will disregard but if this is my last utterance, my last message or witness to you as my friend, my family or simply a familiar visage – I love you, no conditions, no requirements, no refunds …
Happy Holidays to you, Kris - www.kriscourtney.com